How Your Lowest Moments Can Teach You The Most Valuable Lessons
Hello, Reader! Allow me to be vulnerable with you in my first post back in nearly 6 months….
It has been quite some time! I will blame it on equal parts living in the present and equal parts laziness and excuses. And if I am being real and honest with myself, probably a little touch of fear as well because no matter how often I do it, and I would say I do it quite A LOT especially on the road, putting yourself out there is scary.
It’s March 2019. It’s not the new year, my birthday, or any other monumental time of the year. However, 1 year ago around this time I was soaking up the last of my sunny, Sydney, Australia beach days, a country and city I returned to for the second time chasing love, a chance to reunite with my travel bestie, and embracing the spontaneity that the previous 8 months of backpacking had gifted to me. I was days away from flying back home, only booking my ticket two days in advance, abruptly announcing to family and friends I would be returning to the US.
When I got home I knew it would be challenging, but I had no idea what was in store for me. I still can’t quite put into words how it felt. You know those scenes in the movies (usually the horror films) where the camera is following around a girl and it’s so eerily quiet as she wanders through rooms of a house, there’s no music in the background to add to the effect that something frightening and sudden is about to happen?
Coming home for me last spring (which in Wisconsin is still the dead of winter) the quiet and comfort suffocated me. I felt like the girl wandering around the empty house as all of the familiarity and comfort and sameness flooded in. (I would like to clarify that on the surface level there was nothing scary or horrific about me coming home. I am always and forever will be beyond grateful for a supportive and loving family and friends, and to still have a physical space to return to as “home.” ) I looked the same on the outside but after 8 months of constant newness in sights, places, tastes, people and experiences I had changed. After months of chasing beaches and sunsets, the inevitable eternal summer was over, and I would need to go through my personal (and literal) winter to see spring, and ultimately summer again. Once I was home, I was finally allowed to let go, no need to be “on” all the time the way you are when traveling and constantly meeting new people, and finally given the time and space to process some significant life changes I had neglected to acknowledge before. As a naturally optimistic and positive person when one thing didn’t work out it was no problem because I was already on to the next thing. However, this time and space to pause, I would learn, and can now look back upon fondly, was such a gift in the way that it forced me to sit with myself, my thoughts, my goals, and ultimately lead to my growth.
After 4 years of working towards a University Degree, a few prestigious business internships, landing a once in a lifetime corporate job that I soon after quit, I never stopped and took a pause to process, question, or feel the massive pivot my life would take once I left “the path.” I felt the weight of my decision flooding back at me once I returned home. I had quit my old life, the only life I had known, what I thought I wanted, what society told me I wanted. When I was away I couldn’t feel the weight of it all while I was meeting so many people like me, on a similar path of transition, chasing something different.
I went from feeling every day confident, on top of the world (and quite literally some days I was), sure of myself, my choices, to doubting every decision I had made, feeling like the confidence I had cultivated and carried around with me for years was shaken like it had never been before. Once I got home the hurricane of expectations and pressures from myself, society, and what I thought was wanted and needed of me left me feeling like everything I had done the last 8 months meant nothing. I didn’t feel like it was “brave” or “cool” like people would tell me. I felt like someone who had run away from her problems to selfishly play around the world. I felt like a failure. I felt the confidence I have always carried be swept beneath my feet and a certain anxiety I had never before experienced settle in its place.
The funny thing is, I felt alone during this time, which typing here sounds so absurd, so silly. I felt like I was the only one who had no idea what she wanted to do, who felt lost, who felt unsure about the future when in reality I am sure that this applies to every person I know. (Maybe this especially to those in their 20s, but also certainly applies to people in every phase of their lives.) We are all just figuring it out. Every single one of us. Life can get serious and heavy and the weight of what we are meant to do with our precious time can be overwhelming, debilitating. Only in looking back and reflecting, in sitting with my thoughts, my self, my choices, have I learned that there is no need to take everything so seriously. The only constant in life is change which means every single moment we are on our way somewhere new whether we know it or not. It is up to us, whether we stay on “the path” or step off for a detour, or a U-turn, to trust we are where we need to be and that we have all of the tools and skills and power to get us where we are going.
When I look back now on my choices and decisions I feel emboldened, courageous, and most of all proud. I dared to look in the mirror and ask myself “is this really what I want?” In that year of transition I traveled to new countries with the best travel soulmate of a friend a girl could ask for, I added a Scuba Certification and a 200 hour yoga teacher training to my Life Resume, along with countless other invaluable skills travel teaches us like patience, resilience, putting yourself out there 101, solo travel, finding comfort within discomfort, I could go on for ages. I landed a job in the most picturesque backpacking resort in Vietnam meeting hundreds of travelers from around the globe, leading them in yoga classes overlooking the ocean, kayaking and cliff jumping trips, jungle treks to a waterfall. I reunited with my family in Bali, and from all of those months spent further away, I felt more supported and loved by family and friends who kept me close even when I was far. I opened my heart to love. I opened my heart to healing.
The most interesting thing, too, that I was completely blind to before, was that the months and moments I look back on as my low, sad, unfulfilling moments were actually nothing short of amazing as well. At the time I felt I wasn’t following my true purpose, felt a lack of connection, felt lost and down. Only in reflecting can I look at those months with a new lens. In those months I landed jobs at 2 incredible and well-known yoga studios, started my own at home yoga, offered workshops, and partnered with brands like Lululemon and Athleta to offer community classes. I took some online business courses and tried my hand at working with clients in the tech space. I absorbed any podcast and book I could to find inspiration, to feel supported. I stood up as a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings. I got to reconnect with family and friends I hadn’t seen in nearly a year. I lead a 2 week backpacking trip in Colorado for the summer camp I used to work for, a place that I will always hold near and dear to my heart. I built this website by myself. And I landed my current job here in Vietnam leading 2 week tours through this gorgeous country, which I get to fall in love with over and over again as I see it through fresh eyes.
I can only look back on feeling so low and so lost and smile, and sometimes I still feel low and lost, but still I smile. In those months my mantra was ‘I am Enough.’ I have since changed that mantra to ‘I am Extraordinary.’ I offer it up to you to use as well.
“I Am Extraordinary”
When I was questioning it all my Mom, so wisely and only as Moms can, would tell me “You made the best decisions with the information you had at the time.” I urge you to take some time to really, truly, deeply, reflect on all that you are and all that you have accomplished in 3, 6, 12 months time. Even in your lowest moments I hope you will be able to look back fondly in recognizing how far you have come and how amazing you are. I hope that you trust you are making the best decisions for yourself with the information you have now, and that life is meant to feel light. I hope you know how extraordinary you are.
Fueled by long bus rides & reflection.
