We Can Do Better and Here's Why

Especially in light of recent events and experiences, I have been reminded of an important thing: Safety is a privilege. And to even the most privileged in this realm, there are no guarantees.

For the first time in a long time, I felt uncomfortable and unsafe traveling alone as a woman when I arrived in Sri Lanka. I have been around the block in southeast asia traveling alone, and I must say I often feel even safer than I ever would in my own country, europe, or other places I have been. I would like to clarify that nothing “happened,” no major event or incident, rather a collection of moments and experiences that made me hyper aware and alert.

I never want to use my gender as an excuse to play victim or project the idea that because of my gender I am unable to do something; in fact in my daily life I feel confident, strong and badass leading groups of people around Vietnam, and overall taking on the world rocking the independent lifestyle. However, it is important to acknowledge there is absolutely a gap in the way women are treated at home and around the globe, especially when it comes to feeling safe. As women we grow up “on alert” as second nature and don’t even realize all of the little steps we take  and thoughts that cross our minds that our male counterparts simply just don’t have to think about or even KNOW about. Traveling alone as a woman I am an extra layer of hyper aware of my surroundings.

Upon arriving to my first hostel, one of the lovely Sri Lankan guys who worked there was showing me the map of the city, pointing out places I could go. He pointed out one of the major markets and I remarked “oh maybe I will go there tonight for dinner!” He quickly shot back “oh no! you can not go there at night.” I replied “Is it not safe to be out at night?” (Several people prior to my arrival had also told me being out at night alone as a woman is unsafe in SL).  In a way that is only normal and even laughable in asia he replied, completely serious but in a light hearted tone, “There are a few people who ruin it for everyone in Sri Lanka. But if someone grabs you just scream. People will always run to a woman’s scream here.”

Armed with this new information and the thought that I should really start working on my best scream, I set off on a 3 week journey.

When I first got to Sri Lanka I noticed there were barely any women in the streets. Some of the only women you do see are covered head to toe, revealing nothing but their big, beautiful eyes through tiny slits in black fabric.

When I travel I like to get to know the locals, engage, visit not only the country but visit with the people. I quickly learned that any friendliness or harmless conversation from my end was met with friendliness that turned into revealed intentions hoping for much more. I was made to feel like it was my fault for being friendly. Apparently being friendly is too much to handle, I must be more distant, smile less, I was told.

Myself and other female friends encountered men creeping on us, following us, and asking if we had boyfriends or husbands, and only then respecting us or giving us space. It wasn’t acceptable to be a single woman and be respected. There was a drastic difference between walking alone, walking as a pair of girls or walking next to a guy. Anytime I was with a guy no one even blinked at me. What a concept.

Sri Lanka is pretty freaking hot. It is also an island. Yet, as a woman you’re expected to always be conscious of your clothing choices and covered up. I was expressing to some other western travelers the feeling of being uncomfortable at times in this country as a solo female traveler. During this conversation, I was wearing an athletic tank top, one that went all the way up to my neck (and the fact I even feel the need to explain to you the height of my neckline just further highlights my point) and the response I received was equal parts laughable and appalling.

I kid you not, this was the response I got after expressing uncomfortability on TWO different occasions from TWO different men...are you ready???

“Oh but your shoulders.” They pointed to my bare shoulders as I sweated through my high-neck athletic top in the Sri Lankan heat.

They suggested my feeling uncomfortable had to DO WITH MY SHOULDERS.

When will we stop blaming women's bodies, clothing or mere presence as excuses for men’s bad behavior, and ill intentions?

To suggest my SHOULDERS are the problem instead of the problem lying in a culture of men who don’t respect women as an equal or anything more than a sexual object. The absurdity of the suggestion that OUR SHOULDERS are creating inequality for us women and that if only I had a blanket on in this heat would I have a different experience. The suggestion that my shoulders have anything to do with this is actually the driving reason I am writing this right now, still angered as I think about it.

The other response I would get is that “oh but it is worse in India”, (I have never been to India), as if just because the feeling of being uncomfortable is stronger or “worse” somewhere else meant that the way I felt here was invalid. Just because inequality is accepted, or rather endured, in other places doesn’t mean we should accept slightly less inequality somewhere else. As my brilliant and social active warrior/ twin sister told me as she edited this article for me, a book she is reading discussed the importance and the necessity “to dream for a better life rather than sitting in and accepting the way things are or have been.” PREACH.

Lastly, I met a fellow American woman who said “oh I think it is actually really equal. I just don’t make eye contact, take my beer when I order something and look away. Plus, at least we don’t get mugged.” She literally suggested that it is EQUAL yet she had to change her whole behavior to unfriendliness and rudeness to get by. She ACTUALLY suggested being mugged is a better alternative to sexual assault. (Also anyone can get mugged, being a woman does not exempt you from getting your shit stolen or attacked.) She, like so many women, has been taught to think the best we can do is to modify every ounce of our actions and personality. To her equality looks like avoidance, sacrifice, and staying extra alert. Isn’t that awful? We can do better. We deserve more.

I am not writing this to suggest Sri Lanka is unsafe, nor to suggest that it is unsafe to travel, or to travel as a woman, or even to travel alone as a woman. In fact, I will continue to do all of those things and encourage anyone I can to do the same. I am writing this as a reminder to myself and to everyone that feeling safe isn’t a right, it is a privilege. Things can happen everywhere and anywhere and we need to keep living our lives in spite of it. But most of all I am writing this to urge us as a society moving forward to listen and support each other, to be advocates for each other.

As men and women coming from different backgrounds and experiences, we need to support each other, validate each other’s feelings, and acknowledge to your fellow sisters (this goes for men and women) that there is an inequality, and just because you’re not part of the “problem” or you don’t directly feel it doesn’t mean it does not exist. Let’s be advocates and change-makers, not bystanders. Let’s work towards something better.